Home…..Hermitage

Just before Christmas last year I voluntairly moved out of my affordable housing apartment in north Nashville and in with the kids. Together again. Would we kill each other? Time will tell. They had been living in a 2 bedroom well lived in apartment for 5 years together, Jason 8 years. I brought my own sofa to sleep on which had gotten real old real quick. We had made the best of it for 6 weeks until last week we moved into our 3 bedroom 1 1/2 bath aparment in Hermitage. Was the purpose of my journey to finally get to here? I sit outside on the patio smoking a cigerette in the morning and just drink in the peace and quiet. In the distance I can hear the faint sound of a siren but, only for a moment. I can hear a bird sing, a dog bark and I drink in the quiet. I feel like me again. The noise of the city isn’t clogging my brain. I see moving mouths of those who just want to be heard yet their so loud I just shut them off. Spoken words go unheard. A first floor apartment an ice maker and a stacker in the master bath. Luxary. It’s truely amazing and wonderful. Going to my church on Sunday with access ride something I’ve needed.

The rest of my stuff will be moved Tuesday morning. I’m hoping to enjoy the company of friends soon to a safe place.

More later………………..

Break ups are hard

It’s been a hard few months. Scans kept coming up cancer free and I thought I finally found love, real love. Real loves are the sneakiest and the worst. You think it’s real him fooling you every step of the way with lies and more lies. I tested him once and told him he was talking in his sleep. Face turned red. I hated thinking he had lied to me from day one but, when he threw a temper tantrum like he was 3 I was glad he finally gone. Faith my esa didn’t like him but, enjoyed the extra belly rubs.

After he, Randolph “Boots” Bray, left I just had 1 question, why did he lie, why did he feel the need to? I thought it was an easy enough question but, no answer, no call. Now I understand the break up before with this other woman. I understand the eviction and the police.After I told him the cancer had returned he said he was committed to me 100% then 2 days later he was gone. Who does that? He could of said hey I can’t handle that and that would have been fine. Yes I’ve had a blast on TikTok with the ring camera videos but no personal information about him. I found out this morning that he published through Facebook my personal phone number. I was and still am livid. How dare he do that to me. I haven’t cried a single tear since he left and now I just want to cry because I’m so angry.

He was such a conjob that I didn’t see or maybe I didn’t want to see it. I’m contemplating legal action or a baseball bat. Tell which one you’d do?

A Need or a Want……

A couple of months ago I was talking to a very dear friend of mine and I discovered that since being in housing my wants and needs have changed. In every aspect of this new life I do as I’ve always done, look at the pros and cons, the want or need.

A want…..something I can probably live without and it’s not considered detrimental to sustain life. A whim, a hobby.

A need…..is something that will help to sustain life or increase the quality of life. My definitions not Websters. Example would be a blanket, a hand warmer or a hot cup of coffee in winter.

I ask myself is this a need or a want? I am pretty good at this but, when it comes right down to it, priorities always shone through.

I use this thinking with my new relationship as well. Do I need him to survive? Do I want him to survive? Need no. I can make it on my own. Do I want him? Yes. I feel he completes me body and soul.

Lately I’ve set some boundaries for my own mental health. It’s been helping. I may have lost a friend. I keep thinking she must not have been that good of a friend to not be able to respect my boundaries as I tried to with her.

Maybe I should write about that…….

I’ve been absent for a long while. Dealing with the after effects of cancer and so much more. Love has entered my life like no other. I’m still a survivor and will continue to be. I’m still cancer free with scans every 3 months to catch anything new. It causes so much stress and anxiety but, that too I’m learning to deal with.

I was outside of my local Kroger waiting for my Uber ride when there he was. I wasn’t angry although it would have been acceptable to be after what happened. That was 2 years ago and it still hurt but not as much. I was cold when he said hello. I didn’t want to be but, I was. I wanted to stand up and hold him close. Have him touch me the way he only can. I could still feel his touch, the way my body would react. He gave me his phone number and I swore I wouldn’t call him ever but, I texted him within an hour. He called and I melted when I heard his voice. I was still deep in like with him. Dealing with cancer and heart bypass I was scared to let myself fall for him but, soon I had no control over it, over him. Soon he was spending the night with only holding each other and talking. Talking about things I never shared with anyone. He was patient and waited until the time was right.

He’d asked me out before. I remember a time in the RV when we brought me a new box of sharpened pencils because I was a writer. It melted me but, I wasn’t in the right place for any type of relationship. Homelessness and health issues I saw myself as a crippled old woman, not a vibrant ready for love lady. We did the Facebook back and forth but, always remained friends. He’s made me see that there is life after cancer and what a wonderful life it is.

I don’t know where this will go but, I’m enjoying the ride. The ride into his arms, safe and secure while building up my confidence and security.

It simply sucks

I hate this. Ending my 4th week of radiation and chemo I’m tired. I’m feeling so done and then I get the call that on Tuesday they are putting a sleeve in for the inside radiation..Great another surgery. Just what I didn’t want. I fina out tomorrow the extent of the next radiation.

I don’t sleep. I can’t taste anything. I’m so tired of the alterations in not only my body but now my lifestyle. I hate being told to get up at 5 am for a ride that comes at 6:30. Then down to radiaology at 7a, then wait for an hour before treatment. Your spoken to like a 3 year old. “How’s your bladder feeling today?” I hate everything about this. I want to quit but, possibly only have 2-3 more weeks to go. I;m screaming all the time and mad. I’m 61 freaking years old and so many others are calling the shots. I hate not having any control in my life. I just want this to end. I want to go back to me making the decisions, not them. I want to punch a wall and yell at the top of my lungs. STOP

Eminem

Many years ago in Florida, I almost got fired because of Eminem. I was a receptionist at CMO Distributions in Sarasota for a man called Kal. He told me to hold all his calls while he was on a conference call. So I did. A call came in asking for Kal and I politely told him that he was in a meeting and I could take a message and have him call back. He said his name was Marshall Mathers and said Kal had the number. The secretary behind me overheard and went to get Kal. I had no clue, none. Kal came out and shouted that I was to get out! Screaming do you know who that is??? Nope no clue but the secretary stood up for me and I wasn’t fired.

Years later my sons would be playing his music and I was the mom running down the hall yelling turn that shit off. Being a properly brought up Lutheran Missouri-Synod that language wasn’t proper.

Homeless, stroke, diabetes, high blood pressure, quadruple bypass, and now I have cancer. I’m going to beat this but, Eminem helped when my speech was affected by the stroke. I learned the bars he’d spit and be able to talk almost normal until one day it happened. I could say it almost as good as he and no one knew I had a speech problem. When he spits “Lose Yourself” I think about making his own opportunity and he has. It makes me think about something Kal would say.

Good Days and Bad Days

Yesterday was a good day but by the end of it I was forcing myself to look happy. It became work and I didn’t like it. It started off about 6 AM with Faith on the bed starting to get her zoomies out. All before coffee. Made my day. Then off to the kitchen to turn the coffee pot on. I’ve gotten into the habit of pre-making it the night before. Faith gets her pills and out the door to smell the visitors from the night before. She’s very through and doesn’t miss an inch of ground. Her nose is to the grindstone with a solid concentration. I go inside to pull out a coffee mug from the cupboard and add creamer. I bring Faith inside and pour that first cup of black java. The smell is intoxicating and gives instant pleasure. I get the tunes going on my spotify and soon I’m a million miles away. Floating like a cloud cradeled in softness.

The day before was hard. First thing a call comes in from an obgyn refferal the day before. I wasn’t ready. I fumbled and became confused. I became short then she slowed down for me. I understood. This moving so quickly gets me overwhelmed quickly. My thoughts wonder why are they moving so quickly. Do they believe it’s progressed beyond help? Did I wait to long to get a pap smear? Probably 31 years was long over due but, as usual life got in the way & I was needed elsewhere. Yes I’ve already blamed myself enough for this. Please don’t say “You shouldn’t feel like that”. How should I feel? I’ve hit the anger, the crying the joy and finally the acceptance. Now how do I fight this? Prayer- check. Dr’s- check. Positive energy-sometimes. I try.

Understand this if it is God’s will that I go home I will be very happy. elated and excited. See I’m the type of person that hears tragedy and focuses on the positives. Nothing can change what happened so it’s time to move on upward. I’d rather look to what the situation can be and move towards it. Maybe I am wired differently but, I like it.

My Journey with Cancer

I had quadruple bypass surgery in August of 2024 shortly after moving into a 3 bedroom apartment with my sons. It all happened so quickly that I don’t remember a lot but, during the pretesting part they found a large mass on my lung. I knew I had a hole in my lung and thought they were refering to that so, I never gave it any attention. Well the cardiologist insisted I get it looked at and reffered me to a Dr that took my insurance. A PET scan was done. Results were given. Thankfully no lung cancer but, they did find cervical cancer. I wasn’t prepared for that. A range of emotions started running through me. Fear, anger, peace and sorrow. Did my dad cry when they told him he had cancer? Probably not. My dad was to strong of a man.

I’ve been playing these phone games where the only decision I have to make is wether to play another game or exit. Pretty soon decisions will have to be made quickly. That’s not my strong suit. When I was homeless I worked so hard at keeping it together for my kids sake. Breaking down in front of them is so hard. I will fight this cancer just as hard.

Yesterday the appointment lady called from the OBGYN’s office. I’m getting so overwhemled by all the dr’s appointments that I was so nasty to her on the phone. I called back and appoligized.

Metro Council and politics

Last night as usual I streamed the metro council meeting live. I was appauld at how the council treated people who wanted to speak at the meeting. Everyone has the right to speak at these meetings and yet the council felt threatened by t-shirts and signs displayed from a so called “hate group”. You pussies! This was a clear example that the constitution is only for certian people. No I didn’t agree with their beliefs and what might of been said but they had the right to speak and the council was afraid LOL. I have never seen a double standard speaking so loudly. I’m ashamed to even live in Davidson county when they did this. I believe someone said once “I may not agree with what you have to say but, I’ll defend your right to say it.” If it were up to me I’d fire every member of metro council for being pansie asses and start fresh even down to the mayor.

We have become such a soft wimpy society where we have forgotten what this country was built on “free speech”. We have been accepting this transgender shit and gay marriage. Well news flash- I’m done with accepting it. It’s wrong and God didn’t get your gender wrong. We have become soft where everyone gets offended at everything. It’s time america put their big boy or girl pants on and such it up. I don’t accept special rights for LGBQ or anyother group that thinks their special. We’re all special in God’s eyes and that’s all I need.

From here on out if I think it, I’m saying it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enough is enough. No more being politically correct or fear of offending anyone.

A Weird Place

Those who follow me on facebook and (it’ll always be) Twitter know that the tone has changed over the past several months. From finally getting into a 3 bedroom apartment in normal, everyday housing not Goverment housing or Section 8 to opening up myself and my heart only to be once again broken, to be shunned once again from the HPC. Yeah I probably wouldn’t want someone out there calling you out on your bullshit. It’s just been rough.

I’m ordering a “I don’t give a f*ck” hat that I plan on wearing as much as possible. Today was just the tipping point when I can’t call a dr’s office about a referal I recieved about a year ago for a spot on my neck. No instead they tell you to log on to their app and do it that way. Hey I’m 60 freaking years old! Instead we play a game of 20 questions in a chat. When did medicine become so impersonal? Void of any human contact or even a voice. Is this the results of a pandemic. Just because we can doesn’t mean we should. When did we as their patients get passed around without any regard for that patient. How about telling them what you plan to do?

This world is changing so fast and if you don’t know what you’re doing you get left behind.

<——Behind

A funy thing happened……..

The night Middle Tennessee had the tornado outbreak I was safe in his arms.

I met him while being a vendor for the Contributor street paper here in Nashville. One morning he found out where we were and brought me a cup of coffee and a box of sharpened pencils. How sweet, how romantic. His gesture never was forgotten but, I wasn’t in the right place. I was still processing past abuse and other issues. Thoughts of heartbreak I wasn’t going to pursue. He asked me out about 6 months later and I rejected him, still not ready.

Recently we connected again and this time I was ready. He rode through severe thunderstorms and pouring rain from Lebanon just to see me. He even brought me flowers. He came through my door and gave me the biggest hug I’ve ever had. So big in fact that I now have a bruised sternum (?) and bruised muscles. It was just the sweetest pain I’ve ever had.

I’m not sure where this relationship will go but, I’m finally taking a chance again. Yes I’m going for it! Now to fix this odd smile I have that just won’t go away.